WHEN THE HEN CROWS

_Of Cabals, Of Presidential Disappointments, Of Room Kerfuffle_

For some time now, I have refrained from commenting on certain socio-political issues; many thanks to the threat laden missives that constantly threaten to spill out of my mailbox. Apparently, my seemingly scathing and abrasive style has been raising hackles in certain quarters. But this morning when my wife walked into the room and said, “Baby, it is appointed unto a man to be arrested many times, after that……”, I felt the need to bare my mind on one particular issue. I must state that I have already packed my bags just in case some gun toting, overzealous Sauls of Tarsus decide to break into my house in search of what I did not plant. Thank God I don't have “shingbain” in my house. Neither do I have a wig or robe. God save this country. But let's get to business very quickly.

In the course of this past week, the international media was awash with information, allegations, counter allegations, reactions and counter reactions. Apparently, for the first time in a long time, one hen crowed and the entire world shook. One woman gave one interview and the entire nation was engulfed and embroiled in the “rogbodiyan” surrounding the nation’s first family. Special shout out to that courageous, patriotic woman of Nigeria. I was quite surprised that many Nigerians went for the poor woman’s jugular when all she did was tell Nigerians what we have been longing to hear, “All is not well with the country. All is not well with our President. Nothing is well at all.”

Obviously, our President surrounds himself with many parasitic, sycophantic elements whose job description is simply to tell the President, “You are doing well, sir.” Even when the Naira is getting raped in its own house and economic recession is no longer alien to us. These elements are so adept at massaging Mr President’s ego that they go to ridiculous lengths to justify his many erratic actions and the shenanigans that have now become synonymous with his government. Can you imagine passing off an offensive, sexist statement as a mere joke?

No wonder these elements came all out against Mrs Aisha even though she merely gave her honest opinion. Let me remind you that she is also a Nigerian with the right and freedom to air her views no matter whose ox is gored. I simply wonder what fate would have befallen the first lady if she were an ordinary Aisha without the ‘Buhari’ appendage. Perhaps by now, hundreds of millions would have been found in her apartment and she would have been chilling in an air-conditioned interrogation room in Nigeria’s most pious institution. What a farce!

Some even say she should have told him those things privately. But who knows if she has brought it up severally in the living room or the kitchen and it ended up in the other room where it died a sweet, ecstatic death?

I am not going to talk about the President’s shambolic response to his wife’s claims in this piece. I am sure several of these elements would have told the president that the principalities and powers controlling the opposition party have taken over his wife. Little wonder he failed to categorically refute or acquiesce to his wife’s claims. But there are two points of inference from the President’s maradonic approach to that million naira question.

Firstly, if things are really as Mama Ayi says they are, and the president does not even know those he appoints, then someone somewhere is more clueless than the fedora donning man from the waterside. No wonder we are moving forward and backwards like a car jerking to life. Oghene, bikor.

Secondly, if things aren’t as they say and the president does know those he appoints, then the anti corruption fight, and all its related activities, is not nothing but a carefully planned charade to beguile Nigerians. Why does cluelessness ooze from every pore in this government? Did the ruling party not plan to win? Oh, is that why we now hear cases of people being set up just to prove a point? Look at the president’s cabinet. What do you see? Something interesting is currently happening; a federal minister has been accused of trying to pervert justice and we will just wave it aside? Instead of my president to solve this conundrum and many others, he is either travelling or settling intra party disputes.

Mr. President sir, we know that uneasy lies the head that wears the crown but sir, do you think you need a rest? You are gradually displaying some tendencies that my computer has refused to type for fear of being confiscated. You want to focus entirely on fighting corruption without considering other facets with same fervency? So by the time we all die of starvation and you finish fighting corruption, who will be there to enjoy it?

Nigeria is pierced through with many sorrows that I am sure you are aware of, even if your aides constantly salute your efficiency. Sir, we know you have been in power before but this is a different ball game and as Pastor Prof. must have told you, the anointing of yesterday is not sufficient for today. We wouldn’t mind if you took a six months leave to take a crash course on Politics and Governance in neighbouring Ghana. We are confident that Prof. will perform excellently in your absence. Otherwise, why is he your vice?

Sir, our people say that the insect that sucks the life out of the vegetable comfortably nestles itself in the bosom of the vegetable’s stalk. And it takes just one hen with very sharp eyesight to notice that. If you do not expunge this insect, sir, the vegetable will soon die off. It took just one interview to reveal many things about the theatre of absurd generously referred to as Nigeria. I hope the hen crows again!

Emmanuel Eromonsele Ujiadughele